ER

Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:

- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with our dog?"

- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

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