Gender Poetry (Woman)

I'm Glad I'm A Woman

         I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
    I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
    I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
    I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
    I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
    and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
         I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
    my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
    and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
    or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
    I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
    I'm a woman you see --  I'm just not that kind!
         I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
    I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
    It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
    When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
    And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
    I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
    Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
    I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
         And I honestly think its a privilege for me
    to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
    I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
    I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
    I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
    stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
    or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
    then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
         Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
    you can forget all about that old penis envy
    I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
    join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
    I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
    I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!