The 9 Types of Girlfriends

 Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
 Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
 Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
 Disadvantages: May wise up someday

 Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
               bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
 Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
 Advantages: Pays attention to you
 Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

 Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet.  My cramps.  My cellulite"
 Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
 Advantages: Predictable
 Disadvantages: Contagious

 The Bosser - "Stand up straight.  Put on a different tie.  Get a haircut.
               Change your job.  Make some money. Don't give me that look."
 Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes,
 Advantages: Often right
 Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

 Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide.  Should I switch my career,
                             goals, home, and hair color?"
 Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
 Advantages: Easily soothed
 Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

 Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
                              onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
 Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
 Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
 Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

 Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
 Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
                iceberg, Snarly
 Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
 Disadvantages: You will have no friends

 Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
                    about our relationship"
 Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
 Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
 Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

 Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
                  handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love
                  like crazed weasels now"
 Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
 Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
 Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you