"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...

"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOUR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...

"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...

"You are going to get it when we get home."

and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU... then you'll see what it's like."

To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

Perfect for wearing in the basement.

Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

Well, well, well...

Hey! There's a gift.

He Replaces Joe Camel as the new Camel cigarettes spokesman.

He asks the kids to leave him milk and crack.

He won't talk to the kids without conferring with his lawyer.

He refers to the wishing fountain as his "tip jar."

He complains that the food court has no whiskey.

You recognize him as a former NFL star doing Community Service hours.

Resume includes appearing as Santa in "Naughty, Naughty Girls."

He asks the mothers if they want to sit on his lap.

Instead of saying, "Ho-Ho-Ho," he hollers "Oy vey!"

A: The Eerie Canal.

Q: What is a ghosts favorite ride at the midway?

A: A roller ghoster!!

Q: Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?

A: He wants to use them later for cold cuts!!

Q: What is Dracula's favorite coffee?

A: De'coffin'ated!

Q: What is a baby ghost's favorite game?

A: Peek-a-boo!

Q: How does a werewolf like his eggs for breakfast?

A: Terrorfried!

Q: What is a Mummies' favorite type of music?

A: Wrap!

Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?

A: He had no body to dance with.

Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?

A: Fangsgiving.

Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York?

A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?

A: Hello, hello, hello.

Q: What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?

A: A boo-loney sandwich.

Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?

A: A dead end.

Q: What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?

A: A wash-and-werewolf.

Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?

A: Fasten your sheet belt.

Q: What is a witch with poison ivy called?

A: An itchy witchy.

Q: Who does a ghoul fall in love with?

A: His ghoul friend.

Q: Where do vampires live?

A: In the Vampire State Building.

Q: Who are some of the werewolves cousins?

A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

Q: What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?

A: A blood vessel.

Q: What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?

A: I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

Q: What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?

A: A blood hound.

Q: Why are black cats such good singers?

A: They're very mewsical.

Q: What's a cold, evil candle called?

A: The wicked wick of the north.

Q: What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?

A: Hallowieners.

Q: Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?

A: In noisery school.

Q: What does a goblin shop for?

A: Grosseries.

Q: How can you tell when windows are scared?

A: They get shudders.

Q: What do you call serious rocks?

A: Grave stones.

Q: Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?

A: She had to give a screech.