18> When the child does something wrong, grab your crotch, thrust it forward, and scream, "BAD!"

17> Elephant Man bones make a nifty over-the-crib mobile.

16> You should always being willing to share your toys... and so should your child, for that matter.

15> Little friends are always welcome, once they've signed the standard release.

14> Keep baking soda handy to extinguish flaming hair.

13> Don't let your child play with Madonna's child -- some people are just too WEIRD.

12> Teach your child, "Beauty is only skin deep -- but hey, a few face peels never hurt anybody."

11> Wait until your child can effectively bob and weave before allowing him to spend the weekend with his grandpa.

10> At birthday parties, don't leave Elizabeth Taylor unattended at the punch bowl.

9> Snug-fitting diapers will keep you from becoming the "King of Poop."

8> That sheep in the petting zoo is only for Daddy.

7> Teach your child not to spank the monkey.

6> It's OK to love your child, just don't LOVE your child.

5> Frequent plastic surgery keeps your kids feeling and looking *fresh*!

4> Spankings are okay -- but stop if the little tyke's hand gets sore.

3> Let the child pick his nose -- from a catalog.

2> Remove glove *before* changing diaper.

and the Number 1 Michael Jackson Parenting Tip...

1> There's nothing a spoonful of sugar, a big hug, and $15,000,000 can't fix.

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