Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the sink

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:

"I wanna know your name..."

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?

1.No mind.
2.No business.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!