Brand of pick-up you are going to purchase:
 (_)Ford (_)Dodge (_)Chevy (_)Nisaan (_)Jeep

Last name: ___________________________

First name:
 Billy-_________________
OR
 Susie-_________________

Age: ____  (_)Check here if unsure.

Gender: (_)M (_)F (_)Unsure

Spouse's Name: ______________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: _______________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________________
3rd Lover's Name: ___________________________

Spouse's relation to you:
 (_)Sister/Brother (_)Cousin (_)Parent
 (_)Child (_)Aunt/Uncle (_)Pet

# of children living in your household: ____
# of children living in your shed: ____
# of children that you own: ____

Animals dwelling in your household:
 (_)Dog (_)Cattle (_)Pig (_)Chicken
 (_)Horse (_)Frog (_)Rabbit (_)Goat

Is your home mobile? (_)Yes (_)No
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your home?

Current Occupation:
 (_)Farmer (_)Trucker (_)Waiter/ress
 (_)Owning a family grocery store
 (_)Unemployed

Highest Level of Education, by grade:
 (_)Under 1 (_)1 (_)2 (_)3 (_)4

Size of your yard, in acres:
 (_)1-4 (_)5-10 (_)More than 10

Distance from your home to nearest city/town, in miles:
 (_)10-20 (_)20-40 (_)More than 40

# of vehicles in your yard: ____
# of vehicles that you own: ____
# of guns/firearms you have: ____

Brand of your tractor: ___________

Total gambling debt this year: $_______

Model & year of your pick-up:
 ______________________, 194_

Hobbies/Interests:
 (_)Farming (_)Brewing (_)Card Gaming
 (_)Hunting (_)Fishing (_)Guns in General

What magazines do you read?
 (_)National Enquirer (_)TV Guide (_)Globe
 (_)Soap Opera Digest (_)Guns n' Ammo
 (_)Bassmasters

Preferred method of gambling:
 (_)Poker (_)Slots (_)Keno (_)Scratch & Win

What things to enjoy collecting?
 (_)Guns (_)Tobacco (_)Fish hooks
 (_)Worms (_)Bottle caps

What is your favorite TV show?
 (_)Andy Griffith (_)Three Stooges
 (_)Dukes of Hazard (_)Beverly Hillbillies
 (_)The Man Show (_)Don't have a TV

Who is your current idol?
 (_)Earl Scruggs (_)John Denver
 (_)Bob Dylan (_)Garth Brooks
 (_)Bruce Springsteen

Color of teeth:
 (_)Gold (_)Brown (_)Goldish-Brown (_)Black

Where to you get tobacco products?
 (_)Convenience Store (_)Pawn Shop
 (_)Homegrown

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

NAME________________________  DATE OF BIRTH______________



HEIGHT________  WEIGHT__________  IQ________  GPA__________



SOCIAL SECURITY #________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #__________



BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________



HOME ADDRESS___________________  CITY/STATE__________  ZIP_____



Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________



If NO, please explain ____________________________________________



___________________________________________________________



Number of years they have been married _______________________________



If less than your age, explain _______________________________________



____________________________________________________________



Do you own a van?                                       _______________



A truck with oversized tires?                           _______________



A waterbed?                                             _______________



A pickup with a mattress in the back?                   _______________



A condom?                                               _______________



Pornography?                                            _______________



Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _______________



A tattoo?                                               _______________



(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)



In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________



__________________________________________________________



__________________________________________________________



In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?



_________________________________________________________



_________________________________________________________



In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?



_________________________________________________________



_________________________________________________________



Church you attend ______________________________________________________



How often you attend __________________________________________



When would be the best time to interview your:



        father? _____________



        mother? _____________



        priest? _____________





Answer by filling in the blank.

Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.





A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:



________________________________________________________





B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:



__________________________________________________________





C: A woman's place is in the:



_________________________________________________________





D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:



__________________________________________________________





E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:



__________________________________________________________



NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.

Leaving premises keeping your head low and running

in a serpentine fashion is advised.





What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________



__________________________________________________________



__________________________________________________________





What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________



Condoms come in packages of (circle one)



        A:  3

        B:  6

        C:  9

        D: 12

        E: ALL OF THE ABOVE



I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE

BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE

AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER

TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.





_______________________________________

Signature (that means sign your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

 Name: ________________  (_) Billy-Bob

           (last)        (_) Billy-Joe

                         (_) Billy-Ray

                         (_) Billy-Sue

                         (_) Billy-Mae

                         (_) Billy-Jack

                         (Check appropriate box)



  Age: ____

  Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

  Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right



  Occupation:

  (_) Farmer

  (_) Mechanic

  (_) Hair Dresser

  (_) Un-employed



  Spouse's Name: __________________________



  Relationship with spouse:

  (_) Sister

  (_) Brother

  (_) Aunt

  (_) Uncle

  (_) Cousin

  (_) Mother

  (_) Father

  (_) Son

  (_) Daughter

  (_) Pet



  Number of children living in household: ___



  Number that are yours: ___



  Mother's Name: _______________________



  Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave

blank)



  Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)



  Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check

appropriate

box)



  ___ Total number of vehicles you own

  ___ Number of vehicles that still crank

  ___ Number of vehicles in front yard

  ___ Number of vehicles in back yard

  ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks



  Firearms you own and where you keep them:

  ____ truck

  ____ bedroom

  ____ bathroom

  ____ kitchen

  ____ shed



  Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_



  Do you have a gun rack?

  (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



  Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

  (_) The National Enquirer

  (_) The Globe

  (_) TV Guide

  (_) Soap Opera Digest

  (_) Rifle and Shotgun



  ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

  ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

  ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO



  How often do you bathe:

  (_)Weekly

  (_)Monthly

  (_)Not Applicable



  Color of teeth:

  (_)Yellow

  (_)Brownish-Yellow

  (_)Brown

  (_)Black

  (_)N/A



  Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

  (_)Red-Man



  How far is your home from a paved road?

  (_)1 mile

  (_)2 miles

  (_)don't know