Dining Out -- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in Your Home -- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Entertaining in Your Home -- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene -- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Personal Hygiene -- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Personal Hygiene -- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family) -- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Dating (Outside the Family) -- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago,"

Dating (Outside the Family) -- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette -- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Theater Etiquette -- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings -- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Weddings -- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

Weddings -- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

Weddings -- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette -- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

Driving Etiquette -- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Driving Etiquette -- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

Driving Etiquette -- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Driving Etiquette -- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Tips for All Occasions -- Never take a beer to a job interview.

Tips for All Occasions -- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Tips for All Occasions -- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Tips for All Occasions -- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Tips for All Occasions -- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"