The Last Words of the Three Nuns from the Church of Free California
THE LAST WORDS OF THE THREE NUNS FROM THE CHURCH OF FREE CALIFORNIA
Written by David Fowler
The sisters of the Church of Free California take a vow of silence for all the days of the month, save one. On that one day a month, the sisters are free to talk all day and as much of the night as they care to stay up. It is sad to report that it was temporary release from their vow of silence that led to the demise of three sisters in the San Bernardino Diocese. They got the day off together and it was their talking that got them killed.
Just before the traffic accident, Hope, Faith, and Charity were riding in a car owned by the Diocese. Now the Church of Free California is poor and relies on donations for its needs. People do not donate new cars to the church. They don’t donate cars to the church that can be foisted off on someone teenager in lieu of having to buy a car for the kid. Those cars donated to the Church of Free California are the ones that can’t be sold after six months of ads in the Weekly Saver throwaway. The cars are notoriously near the end of their existence and have trouble attaining high speeds on flat ground.
Hope, Faith, and Charity were driving on I-215 South. They were in the second lane from the right when they entered Box Springs Canyon and began to climb up a ridge. It was their day off and the sisters were talking up a storm. There was more talking going on than there was listening. The sister who was driving turned the wheel to the left as the car entered an S curve, and then to the right, but then did not again correct the steering when it was time to do so. She had something to say and both of her sisters were quiet at the moment.
The San Bernardino Diocese car drifted into the right hand and to the immediate front of a diesel truck hauling forty tons of medical supplies to Palm Springs . For some unknown reason, the sister who was driving the car then stepped on the brake pedal. The driver of the trunk slammed his brake pedal to the floor with as much force and speed as he could, but he could not avoid hitting the Diocese car and killing the sisters.
In just their souls, Hope, Faith, and Charity climbed out of the wreck and walked over to the staircase to heaven that automatically appears whenever someone headed that way dies naturally or gets killed. The sisters ascended the moving staircase up into clouds and then above to the Pearly Gates. When they got there, to their great surprise they discovered that God was at the podium and was looking at the great roster of names of those who would be permitted to enter Heaven.
God looked up from the great tome on the podium and greeted Hope, Faith, and Charity. He explained that Saint Peter was taking some time off, which was why He was here. He assured the sisters that their records had been reviewed by staff and they were going to enter Heaven without any problems. The sisters would each have to answer a simple question correctly and then they would go inside.
‘Sister Hope,’ said God, ‘who was the first man on earth?’
‘Oh God,’ squealed Hope, ‘that’s easy. Adam was the first man on earth.’
Lights flashed, bells rang, and cymbals clashed. The Pearly Gates opened up. Hope waved good-bye to her sisters and ran into Heaven. The gates closed behind her.
‘Sister Faith,’ said God, ‘who was the first woman on earth?’
‘Oh God,’ squealed Faith, ‘that’s easy. Eve was the first woman on earth.’
Lights flashed, bells rang, and cymbals clashed. The Pearly Gates opened up. Faith waved good-bye to Charity and ran into Heaven. The gates closed behind her.
‘Sister Charity,’ said God, ‘what were the first words Eve said to Adam.’
Charity was literally struck by a thunderbolt. She didn’t know what the first words Eve spoke to Adam were. She was suddenly frightened that she might not be able to enter Heaven. So, stalling for time, she said, ‘Oh God, that’s a hard one.’
Lights flashed, bells rang, cymbals clashed, and the Pearly Gates opened up.